Somethings Wrong With Baby

I've been having this really odd dream lately. One of those reoccuring ones, you know? Im walking down a highway, and a car keeps following me. I can never quite make out a color or a make, but i know its the same car each time. It pulls over, and for reasons beyond me, I willingly get in. Someone, whom i think is Lyn, pulls me in the back seat and starts to cuddle and comfort me, like she used to. Then another person, whom I cant identify, blindfolds me and pulls Lyn away from me. They drive for no more than five minutes, and Lyn lowers me out of the car and leaves me laying on the ground. The grass is warm and I can nearly feel dew pooling on my face (that is, if dew can pool. Im thinking this sensation has to do with my heated blanket.) I open my eyes, and see this girl off in the distance. Shes singing and dancing, and i am almost convinced i know who she is, just by that voice, but as she draws nearer im not so sure. One night shes been blonde with short hair, another night shes been a really long haired red head, another night, she looked exactly like a friend of mine, but everytime i draw nearer to her, she begins to blur and fade and all her features become a blur (kinda like the guys suits in a scanner darkly) I try and touch her, by my had moves right through her skin, and she feels like a plasma of sorts. She leads me to this swampy river thing, and convinces me to come in with her. She swims with me for a while, and we laugh and flirt and i feel like im the happiest ive ever been. Then all of a sudden, the girl turns into my motherish looking person, and she grabs me by my hair and pulls me down to the very bottom of the swamp, ties me with sea weed, and leaves me there. I expect to drown, but i dont, I can breath just fine. I struggle, but usually i give up. Im sorrounded with a bunch of other people, all tied in seaweed aswell. Lilys there, and so is Laura and a few others. I begin to cry, and someone reaches over to hold my hand. Its been a different person each night also. One night it was Elena, another it was Britt, last night was the most intense ive ever had this dream and (whit'll get a kick out of this) i look over to see Connor holding my hand and telling me "itll be all ok muff, ill take care of you." and then everything goes black and i just sit there, holding whoever it is im with. And then its over.

In addition to this one, Ive had a various amount of dreams taking place in school, one in which i get chai dumped on my head, and i run crying to my locker; another where Elena is keeping a dead body in her locker and Im trying to get her to dispose of it. Theyve always been horrifying, and generally, i wake up in this horrible tear stricken shock.

In case anyone was wondering, this is why i havent been able to sleep lately. This is why Ive been such a blank canvas lately, because i cant seem to do anything but rerun this dream over and over in my head, substituting many people in each situation in my mind.

Clearly, I have a fear of loosing Lyn, someone who cares for me and has been such a role model to me, most of all, i think i fear blindly loosing her. Letting her slip out from under my nose without my knowledge. My mystery girl has a few identities. All of which relate to my fear of not knowing the true her and being unaware of the pain she may cause me, or already has caused me. Yet, her mystery is something that aparently continues to draw me to her, pull me into a trap of happy frolicking in the swamp. My mother, obviously my frusteration with her desire to control me, and have power over me, but i also think she represents a paranoia of me dating someone just like her, this is why mystery girl changes into her, instead of my mother just appearing as a seperate figure. As whit has said, her dragging me to a deeper darker place simply symbolizes me fearing things will be worse (without my mother and without whoever the girl truly is) without her in my life, but the ability to breath shows me it will be better here with the people i love. Elena holding my hand, Britt holding my hand, Obvious. Both my best friends, both people i desire to be closer to, to hold and to be held by and be loved by. Connor baffeled me for a bit, especailly the fact he shows up so strongly, but ive decided that he represents my desire to be held and protected by someone more strong and less vunerable than i. Because Connor seems to be the only boy Im somewhat interested in in the moment, he substituted himself into that position, possibly attempting to show me that not all men are going to physically or emotionally hurt me, and that perhaps, its ok to love a man aswel. The fact that he calls me Muff just makes me laugh.

All this is clear to me, its the other stuff, the deeper stuff, that i cant seem to figure out. Why have i been so stressed lately? What is it thats tearing me up inside, thats caused me to withdraw from ever single one of my friends and take on this low confidence persona, that i know is not who i am. Why? What is it? I cant really seem to figure out why ive feel so beaten up, so depressed. Why i feel neglected and hurt and used, but its just something im feeling. Its as if i cant let anyone through the wall anymore, because if they cant see in, they never have to know the truth. And that, that comforts me. And, dont get me wrong (pretty sure this is a required disclaimer) I am content with some aspects of wahts going on, greatly. Overall, i just cant seem to find me though.

I give you props for reading this far, so i will end here. Goodnight and Goodluck. Sweet dreams to you, we know how mine'll be.

As the semester nears a close

I feel it necessary to write a blog....? Who knows. This has been an up and down emotion week. It's funny, November was such a shitty month, I was convinced that December would be better. After ripping November out of the calender and starting December with a nice cup of hot cocoa (which i cant say without laughing and thinking of brandon garegnani now) i figured it would be a much better month. Dont get me wrong, i must give December credit for being a bit better, and not quite as cold, funny as it is, im still slightly dissapointed in it.

In an attempt to be positive.... goods of the month:
-Musical auditions, and a fairly ok part
-Figuring out whats wrong with my body and knowing that it will probably be fixed
-I broke my phone, but i got a new, prettier one :)
-Ive been spending alot of time with Ariel and learning alot about me, sometimes alone isnt so bad
-I got new tap shoes, fucking yes!
-I bought a travel scrabble game! I love scrabble

Thats about all i have energy to think up right now. I plan on getting my hair cut over break, spending as much time as i can out of the house, and refreshing me. I could use some self pampering.

Am i the only one that has bothered to notice Ricola Cough drops only come in packs of 19? What happened to number 20? Did the manufacturer get a sore throat?.... Beside the point.

Snow Patrol has recently touched me (by recently i mean this morning) and made me think quite a bit, and i thank it for that.

I've demoted myself to talking to a camper on a saturday morning instead of writing an AP paper, but thats ok, sometimes i enjoy talking to innocence..... hmm.... am i creepy? probably

Anyways, i would like to extend an apology to anyone i havent been entierly decent to lately, mostly a few of my guy friends and some people that i really do love. I havent been my self, at all, lately, and you seem to be getting the brunt of that. I truly am sorry for this.

I should probably remove myself from this blog now. Fair well to you all. *cough* *sneeze* *cough* I hate being sick :(

Stress might as well be a four letter word

I'm unsure how to express the way ive been feeling the past couple days. Recently, my girlfriend and i just broke up, which hurt really badly. I knew that things hadn't been going so hot, that we were bound to fall soon, and after six months, i knew things werent as strong as they could be, it just twisted the knife to hear her tell me she wasnt in love with me anymore. Of course, i had no choice but to accept it, and i was willing to move on.... well sorta. What really hurts though, is i can hardly bear to talk to her, i just feel like everytime i speak to her my heart gets ripped out. She's become fairly close to my best friend, and though i liek to believe it wont happen, i cant imagine how it would feel if they ended up together. It hurts when theyre always texting eachother, and while i know im more important to my friend than my ex is, it still kinda like ow.

On top of that, November has just been shit, ive been sick on and off, really emotionally unstable, and just stressed stressed stressed. I cant even begin to say how much i needed this break were on now, just not being at school is so nice. Im ready for a fresh start, im trying to be positive and look on the bright side, but lets face it, november doesnt belong on the calendar.

Im trying to look at this single thing positivly, now i can go and do my own thing, be free, it gives me a chance to form crushes and to just get back into life, but i also miss everything that comes with a relationship. Im hoping that maybe ill be able to find someone to distract me, even just a little crush to help get her out of my head, but i dont know if shell leave. It kills me to know that time is all thats gonna cure the way i feel. And it sucks


Musical auditions are coming up. Wishes of luck to ariel

For the sake of a more recent blog

Just now, i found a very old blog of mine, one i dont think ive written since the seventh grade. In addition, i edited and made it so its up and running again, so maybe ill addict myself to that blog again, in a new, more mature state. I should say im astonished as to how much ive changed, but frankly, im not. I am plenty aware that in no way am i the same person i was three years ago, i guess i just forgot how much ive really grown.

Writing makes me feel acomplished, like Im actually taking time to do something worth while, because we all know that writing a blog is worth while. Really though, i think i just need a moment to focus on my thoughts and just be in once place right now. Unfortunatly for you folks reading this, that place happens to be here.
I do believe its needless to say, the past few weeks have been quite eventful. Aside from your average Ariel drama, some things have deffinatly changed. Upon finishing up the play, i realized how much the stage really means to me. To some, acting is just that, acting. A place to be someone your not. For me, it is so much more. When i was young, i remember not being the happiest kid on the planet, but when i would act, when i would dance, things would just feel, right. I can remember times when i would cry on stage, because it was the only place i could feel emotion. I was passionate about the stage, the people, the performace. I still maintain that passion, but on a so much deeper level. Recently, i lost something dear to me, that i never imagined i would. (no, not my liver) My emotions are a mess, a big filthy mess, but not all in a negitive way; and tonight, when i went back to ballet after three weeks of missing it, i realized just how healing talent can be. Having something in me that i know ill never lose, something i love and cherish. I didnt need katie to tell me i was doing well, or Arielle or Erika to pat me on the back, or even mel to thank me for wearing a skirt for once, because it was all for me. Its always been for me. Until tonight, i didnt think anything was going to be ok. But standing in front of that mirror and just dancing, the one thing i know i can do, made me realize. Things dont always come easily. Im going to hurt for quite a while, and my court date on friday isnt going to help either. My insides are going to feel empty, and trying to shove something artificial into them isnt going to help the healing, only time. I thank my friends for holding my hand, i thank my daddy for still allowing me to love him no questions asked, and i thank myself, for being exactly who i am, and nothings going to change that.
Well, thats not where i expected to go with this, but i suppose sometimes, thoughts do just happen. I think im going to grab some tea, try and warm up my frigid little body. Perhaps ill keep with this thinking thing, maybe spend some time on my roof. But before i do that, i think there are a few people i need to remind of just how much i love them

power writing

She sits alone. In her dark room. The only trace of light coming from a small hole in her blinds. Its raining. Thick, loud drops of rain. They harmonize with the rythm of her sobbs. She can feel the warm sticky tears streak her face. They fall, mixing with the warm sticky blood falling from her arms. Blood and tears. Somehow theyve alwayz made such a lovly combination. For just a brief moment she looks up. Her eyes catching the small beam of light coming in from the outside world. It seems to focus on one object and one object only. His picture. Slightly hidden behind the picture of her two best friends its not particualrly noticable. But it catches her glance. His smiling face, her painsaken eyes. Both captured on the same piece of paper. Its amazing how much a picture can tell. She lifts herself from the ground. Makes her way over to the table. Taking the picture in hand, she spys her arms. They never seemed that bad before. The scars were just her little reminders of life. They let her know she was still here. But now. They stood out. Bold and purple. Screaming for justice. He never liked when she hurt herself. He was always encouraging her to find a better way. Too bad he couldnt have taken his own advice. The night he took his life, wondering if she went through his mind before he did it. Or was she just gone. Did she not matter any more. Theres no way to know now. Hes left her, and shes alone here now, to rot in his shadows.

vote 4 me

ahh been forever seince ive posted, its crazy. i guess thats just cuz theres not much to post about, except im running for student body pres, so thats cool, y'all better vote 4 me. :-D im out, bye

omgsh.

omgsh, so my blog was being retarted for the longest time, but its working again so im happy cuz i was scared it was like gonna die. i guess the only new thing in my life is my two best friends are mad at me, so that kinda hurts. and we dont have school today or yeasterday, which means 4 day weekend!!! yay, thats fun, except all ive done is sit at home, so ya not so much fun. well thats is really, ttfn